Ryoka Boy: The NonTraditional Mail Order Bride
by SLYSWN
Summary: Summary: Yumichika and Ikkaku want to get their favorite taichou something nice for his "35th" birthday—what better gift is there to give than a cute Ryoka boy from the human world?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own BLEACH I just like warping it into something that most would probably not approve of. Kubo-sensei you are the man!

Originally posted Feb 22, 2010

TO: BONNENUIT, I WROTE THIS FOR YOU!

**Warnings: Canon/AU combo, plot holes, humor (it wasn't intended but sometimes these things just happen) crack, cliché, non-crack, non-cliché. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, language, mountain of dialogue, break scenes, switching views, a warped spin on shinigami, human and every other type of living, past lives, reincarnations, brief mentioning of death, implied violence, implied pairings, both one-sided and not. And oh so freakin' much more!**

**New Author's Note: It's long but entertaining enough to sit back and say well that wasn't too horrible. KENICHI needs more LOVE! This is a fact. The fic is the result of watching too much supernatural programs, reading way too much fanfiction about demons, shape shifters, hybrids, soul mates and guardians.**

**Rating is probably too high but shrugs.**

Characters: Ichigo, Shiro, Starrk, Grimmjow, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Kenpachi, Yachiru, Renji, Rukia, Zan, Aizen, Byakuya, Matsumoto, others.

Official Pairings: KenpachixIchigo, IkkakuxYumichika, RukiaxRenji, brief mentioning of others.

One sided pairings: ShiroxIchigo, GrimmjowxIchigo, StarrkxIchigo (to a lesser degree) MatsumotoxKenpachi (meant to amuse more than anything, StarrkxYumichika (also meant to amuse) AizenxIchigo (because the "good" taichou can) RenjixIchigo (loosely implied)

Separate category as in not quite official or one-sided. Rather somewhere in between: ByakuyaxIchigo

Summary: Yumichika and Ikkaku want to get their favorite taichou something nice for his "35th" birthday—what better gift is there to give than a cute Ryoka boy from the human world?

()()()()()()()

**Back info: Spirit Guardian Shape Shifters**

**Strong powerful, fiercely protective creatures (who are more than creatures, but not quite human and not quite demon, and not quite the traditional spirit guardians. Sharing some similarities with hollows but not hollows. They can appear and disappear at their own will, choosing when and when not to show themselves.**

**Liger: Shirosaski "Shiro"**

**Coyote: Starrk**

**Panther: Grimmjow**

**Raccoon: Ulquoirra**

**2nd Coyote: Lilinette**

**Female centaur: Nel**

**Shiro, the liger guardian has been with Masaki long before Ichigo was even born. He is the oldest out of all of the guardian spirits.**

**Shiro's favorite past times are to 1) Lock the big kitty in a cage 2) recount the many adventures he experienced with Masaki—it's the best way to make King happy.**

**He's fiercely protective and will hurt any and all who even dare to look at the orange-haired youth in a strange way.**

**Starrk, the coyote guardian came into existence on the night of Ichigo's birth. His non-fraternal twin, Lilinette appeared a week later.**

**Starrk's favorite past time is to 1) Sleep 2) Flirt**

**He's protective but on a much quieter level. He watches and carefully evaluates any and all who cross paths with Ichigo.**

**Grimmjow, the panther guardian appeared shortly after Masaki died. His brash nature caused him to butt heads with the other guardians. He did not walk on eggshells around the brat like everyone else—he told Ichigo to suck it up and move on! 'Death happens, get over it!'**

**Shiro busted his face in for that one.**

**There was only one plus side that came from having (the living or non-living, somewhere in between) shit kicked out of him, the brat stayed with him during the entire recovery process.**

**Grimmjow's favorite past time: 1) Making Shiro jealous 2) Watching the Brat sleep**

**As for Ulquiorra, Lilinette and Nel well…**

**They are actually closer to Ichigo's sisters. Ulquiorra chose Yuzu because she's the least annoying out of the siblings. Lilinette and Nel watch over Karin and like to cause mischief.**

**But in the end they too, love and protect Ichigo like all good guardians do!**

()()()()()()

Prologue

_Masaki died in a car crash. Isshin couldn't handle it, so he hung himself the winter before Ichigo turned 9. With both parents deceased, Ichigo and his two sisters were taken in by their estranged uncle Zan._

_Zan is a kind but seriously weird man. He meditates a little more than could be considered healthy, wears sunglasses indoors and he can read minds._

_Other than having a weird uncle and spirit guardians, life for the Kurosaki siblings is pretty normal._

_They go to school, eat, sleep, date (or in Ichigo's case watch his friends date)_

_Truthfully at times life can be a little boring._

_Time to thank your lucky stars—because life as you know it, is about to change._

()()()()()()()

**Ryoka Boy: The Non-Traditional Mail Order Bride**

**PART 1/3**

Shinigami world

**(Yumichika and Ikkaku/ Renji and Rukia)**

It was one of those days where even lifting a single finger seemed nearly impossible, the kind of day when no matter how much shine and bounce your hair normally had, it looked limp, dull, almost lifeless.

The sweating was most unpleasant—not to mention…

"Ugh all of this heat is clogging my pores, could it be that I will wake up tomorrow and find unsightly blemishes on my skin? Oh the horror!" Ayasegawa Yumichika cried out dramatically.

Madarame Ikkaku let out a lazy yawn and scratched his natural cue ball head.

Yumichika cringed at the sound "Ikkaku must you scratch yourself like that? It's so barbaric, not to mention unbeautiful."

Another lazy yawn and then Ikkaku sat up "So any idea on what you're gonna get for taichou's birthday?"

"I only know one thing for sure. The present for our taichou must be just as beautiful as I am," Yumichika flicked a stray strand of hair out of his delicate face "But of course that is ridiculous, since nothing can match my beauty."

"I was thinkin' maybe we could team up and get a joint gift for Zaraki-taichou."

"I don't know if that will fly with him."

"Yeah well having us on his squad should be good enough."

"While it is true that taichou should be honored to be in the company with someone who is as lovely as I and some one who is as strong spirited as you, I do not think it wise to be a cheapskate.

"Who the hell said anything about being a cheapskate? All I said—

There was a knock on the door

"Yeah whatdya want?"

The door to the eleventh division's rec room slammed open.

"Got some kind secret meeting goin' on in here eh?" Abarai Renji asked upon entering the room.

"Huh? Who the hell are you bargin' in here?"

"Keh, as if I need a reason, I was part of this division for awhile too."

"That was ages ago—back when you were pining pathetically after Kuchiki."

"I wasn't pinin' tell em' Rukia, I wasn't pinin'!"

"My what a lovely set up you have in here, wish Ukitake-taichou gave us our own rec room," Kuchiki Rukia sounded wistful and dreamy.

"Rukia, what the hell!"

The short raven-haired woman ignored the tattooed red head in favor of joining Yumichika on the hammock. (One of the trinkets from the human world, she assumed)

Rukia longed to go to the human world but her beloved Nii-sama had strictly forbidden it.

"Ah this is really quite comfy."

"Isn't it? I picked it up last summer when Ikkaku and I were visiting Brazil."

"Oh is it nice there? I must admit I've never been."

"It is quite lovely, not a s lovely as I am but—

"Oi Rukia are you just gonna sit there all day or are you gonna get off your butt and help me?"

Ikkaku shook his head "You never learn do you Abarai? Thinkin' you can talk to a woman in that manner."

"Rukia's no woman she's jus—OW! Hey let go of my finger!"

"I'm sorry Abarai-kun did you want to say something else?"

Ikkaku and Rukia both snorted at the redheads' pitiful plea for the "torture" to stop.

"Do you surrender?" Yumichika's voice sounded saccharine sweet.

"Yes I give now please let go!"

"First turn to Rukia-chan and tell her she's beautiful."

"What? Why would I s—OW! Hey damn alright fine, Rukia you're beautiful."

"And?"

The grip on the pinky finger was so tight it would probably bruise.

"And what—OW! Fuck! I'm sorry."

"And I'm just a stupid baboon who is not worthy of your love. Say it."

"What the hell? I'm not gonna say such a la—stop you're gonna break—

"Say it!"

Yumichika eyes hardened.

"And I'm a stupid baboon who is not worthy of your love."

Rukia grinned "Why thank you Renji but I'm still not letting you back into the bedroom."

"What? Oh come on!"

"Ahem it seems you two are forgetting something."

"Wha—oh right yeah so any we were eavesdropping and—

"Eavesdropping is an ugly habit."

"Well yeah but we had a good reason, tell em' Rukia."

The raven-haired woman's eyes lit up "We overheard all of the taichous just a little over an hour ago, and you'll never guess what they are planning."

"Oh?"Yumichika raised a perfectly feathered brow.

"They are going to get Zaraki-taichou a mail order bride."

"The hell? Who?"

"Never mind who, the point is knowing the way the other taichou's are, they're probably planning to choose some tramp from Russia or something—not that there's anythin' wrong with Russia—during one of my past lives, my mother dated a Ru—

Rukia silenced her babbling boyfriend "Anyway we think it would be a better idea to pi—

Ikkaku and Yumichika shared a look

"Say no more Kuchiki, he's our taichou so we got this."

"Hey now that's not fair you wouldn't even k—

"You can join us if you like."

"You're damn right we will!"

"It's settled then, we're off to the human world!"

()()()()()()

(**Renji/Rukia)**

"So we're really gonna go through with this? Travel to the human world?"

"Yes but we have to remember to be sneaky or else Nii-sama will catch us."

()()()()()()

**(Ikkaku/Yumichika)**

"Do we really have to wait for them?"

"Ikkaku, whining is not beautiful, so please don't do it."

()()()()()()()()

**(Kenpachi)**

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan guess what?"

"Huh?"

"Yun-Yun and Pachinko head are disappearing again."

"Disappearing?"

"They're heading to the other word, I heard them."

"Hn. Idiots. Those two are way too relaxed."

"Are you going to go after them Ken-chan?"

"Nah, they'll come back when they're good and ready."

"But what about your cake day?"

"Who cares? I'll always have another birthday."

"But Yachiru wants cake. Doesn't Ken-chan want cake?"

"Too sweet."

"Can Yachiru eat Ken-chan's piece then?"

Zaraki Kenpachi muttered under his breath.

Yachiru meant the world to him but he just quite frankly didn't give two shits about his birthday. Whether he was turning 3 or 350, none of it made a damn bit of difference to him.

Why the fuck would he want to celebrate another day of his (not so thrilling life?)

Why celebrate the beginnings of Crows feet and back aches? Why spend lazy afternoons (like this one) getting drunk and passing out?

His prized possession (other than Yachiru) lay rusting away in the corner of the room against the wall.

He hadn't had a decent battle in ages. Hadn't felt the thrill of adrenaline running through his veins, his bones, his very being, hadn't savored the fine tangy taste of blood.

In short Kenpachi was just plain **B-O-R-E-D**

The girls' energy was endless.

()()()()()

For the most part Kenpachi found the taichous from the other divisions to be annoying or just plain boring.

He couldn't relate (nor did he wish to) to them at all.

Though Kuchiki Byakuya was good for a laugh when he went into his "spoiled prince mode."

Face forever sour, looking like he sucked on a lemon. Eyes, cold, unforgiving and deep beneath the surface lay heartache.

The poor "prince" was still mourning the loss of his lovely wife Hisana.

Really if he missed the woman that much he should just put his blade to his throat and join her.

Death was both part of life and the afterlife.

Kenpachi just didn't understand all the drama, the tears, the tantrums, it made no sense to him.

He was not a heartless individual. He simply just did not see the point to one grieving to the end of time and beyond.

Byakuya frowned down at his teacup in distaste, muttering about how 'surely even a monkey could make a better cup of tea than his incompetent overpaid servants'

Kenpachi snorted into his own teacup and the broke the companionable silence.

"So what did you get me for my birthday?"

Byakya nearly spit his tea out.

Kenpachi didn't bother to hide his grin.

It was fun getting Byakuya to do something else beside frown, glare and roll his eyes.

After a moment

"I was under the impression that you had no intention of celebrating your birthday."

Kenpachi grunted.

Seemed the "Prince" knew at least a little bit about him.

Not that it was an entirely surprising discovery—Byakua was a very intelligent individual—naturally because of his upbringing—but ah there was more to it than that. Something that made the stoic man so much more than the average Kuchiki.

Kenpachi grinned and pulled his zanpakuto from its sheath.

Without warning he swung it down –would've grazed Byakuya's ear if the noble hadn't seen in coming.

Kenpachi's grin widened. He swung again.

Byakuya gracefully dodged it.

()()()()()

Human world

**(Ichigo)**

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me to the zoo Kurosaki-kun? Tatsuki-chan will be there."

"I can't. I promised Karin and Yuzu that I would take them shopping for a puppy."

"Oh well perhaps some other time then?"

"Sure. Look I'll see you tomorrow Inoue."

"Goodbye Kurosaki-kun."

()()()()()()

**(Renji/Rukia/Ikkaku/Yumichika)**

"Rukia this is stupid. I can't believe I let you talk me into wearing this lame bunny suit."

"Bunnies are not lame!"

"Well they certainly aren't beautiful either, I feel like my poor nose is being crushed by this fluffy head."

"It's not so bad and besides we'll be a lot less noticeable in these costumes."

"Exactly who would suspect bunnies?"

"Uh why are we here anyway? What makes you think we'll find anyone?"

"Karakura town is known for having high spirit energy as well as spirit guardians."

"Kara—what?"

"Shh! Here comes one."

()()()()()

"I don't see anythin' special about that guy."

"He's scratching himself, how unsightly."

"Not that one. That one!"

A collective awe of appreciation.

"Hmm he is quite the sight isn't he?"

"Seen one bleached punk, seem em' all."

"What makes you so sure its bleached?"

"Puh-lease no one has hair that bright."

"That's calling the kettle black isn't it, Abarai-kun?"

"What my hair? There's nothing special about red hair."

"Any way only one way to find out," A grin "Let's go!"

()()()()()()

**(Ichigo/Shiro)**

"Ya know King I still don't see why ya won't let me show myself in front of that big breasted friend of yours. What's the matter, think I'd scare her?"

Kurosaki Ichigo turned his attention to the black and white liger at his side.

"That's not it at all Shiro, I just don't want to draw attention to myself."

"Too late for that. Looks like we got company."

Without another word Shiro took on his human form—he licked his lips at the 4 bunnies quickly approaching him and the orange-haired youth at his side.

Ichigo let out a sigh and rolled up his sleeves.

Why was he always a natural target for trouble?

()()()()

**(Renji/Rukia/Ikkaku/Yumichika)**

"Hey did you see that?"

"See what?"

"That shapeshifter spirit thing, he just appeared outta nowhere."

"Hmm well so he did."

"Interesting."

"Hmm well yes I suppose the creature does possess a certain exotic kind of beauty," a smirk "Perhaps I will make him into a blanket.

"That's disgusting."

"Oh relax we're not gonna kill it," A grin "We're just gonna go down there and say hello."

()()()()()

**(Shiro)**

Shiro felt a little insulted when only 1 out of the 4 bunnies charged at him.

The other three stayed back, apparently trying to measure his strength.

Half way through the little sparring session, the "bunnies" had removed their costume heads.

He didn't like the way the idiot redhead was undressing King with his beady little eyes.

It was decided—RED WOULD BE THE FIRST TO DIE!

()()()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Ichigo decided to just let Shiro have his fun for a while.

He had been almost unusually crabby as of late—a good brawl would hopefully do the spirit guardian some good.

It seemed the bald headed one in the group was merely playing with Shiro at the moment.

Which was quite a foolish thing to do—the guy would so learn that underestimating the liger would be his biggest mistake.

()()()()()

Shinigami world

**((Kenpachi)**

Aizen Sosuke. A name that was often whispered with praise all through out Soul Society.

The kind, soft-spoken taichou from the 5th division.

There were very few who could match the man in terms of both power and intellect.

He was loved and highly respected by all but a select few.

Kenpachi, himself, didn't really fall into either category. He neither hated nor liked the bespectacled man.

The only thing he could really gather about Aizen was the fact that the man surely must have been a world-class actor during one of his past lives.

For no one (no matter how patient and well trained-could be that cool, calm and collected day in and day out, while in the company of that foolish rosy cheeked Hinamori-kun.

Walking at Aizen's side, Ichimaru Gin, taichou of the 3rd division—closed eyed smile perfectly in place.

The pale skinned, silver haired man hadn't gained the same type of praise and adoration that Aizen had.

Rather—many of the other taichous from the other divisions seemed to fear the sly fox.

Not that Gin cared

For his darling Izuru-chan seemed to shower him with more than enough "love" all by his little blond self.

Kenpachi snorted.

He'd sooner gut himself than ever put up with a bunch of daydreaming idiots.

Blushing to the roots of their hair, stumbling over both feet and words.

The sight was truly pathetic.

Really—how the hell had Kira Izuru and Hinamori Momo ever made it passed the training academy?

()()()()()()

Human world

**(Ichigo/Shiro)**

"King this is ridiculous. We should've just left them to rot in an alley or something."

"We're not leaving anyone to rot anywhere Shiro, now pick up your feet and walk."

"Look King, I mean where the hell are we supposed to put them anyway?"

"Zan has plenty of room. I'm sure he won't mind."

"Suppose you're right, sides I locked Grim up in the cage right before we left," a mad grin "I'm sure he's just dyin' for a juicy slab of meat right now."

"Shiro what the hell? Can't you go one day without picking on him?"

"It's hardly pickin' King, sides he asked for it. I'm only givin' the puss what he wants."

Ichigo rolled his eyes and stepped in front of the large slightly slanted mansion. He adjusted the unconscious body in his arms and then pressed the intercom button.

"Who is it?"

"Yuzu it's us. Tell Zan we caught some travelers."

()()()()()

Nothing was said as Ichigo and Shiro entered the living room, dropping their baggage quite unceremoniously, onto the pristine white carpet.

"You can untie the young woman but keep the gentleman as they are."

"Rukia ain't no woman—she's mph—

"Shut up Red!" Shiro gave the tattooed redhead in the group a swift kick in the head and the gagged him with a sweaty handkerchief.

Ichigo cringed when "Red" let out a pitiful whine.

Seemed Shiro was still in a pissy mood.

Zan sent the liger guardian a warning look as if to say "behave"

He then turned his attention to the travelers.

"Now we are very reasonable people and we do not intend to harm our brethren but you must tell us, why have you come here?"

"Brethren? Surely you don't honestly think that you could group yourself into the same category with someone as beautiful as I?" the feminine looking man in the group sniffed indignantly.

"Confidence mm I like that in a mate." Starrk purred.

Ichigo raised a brow but made no move to stop the guardian.

Seemed Karin had it under control.

"Down boy!"

"Aw but Karin-chan I was just—

The sound a loud rattling interrupted the lazy eyed shapes-shifting coyote

"YOU BASTARD! I'LL FUCKIN' TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!"

**BANG! BANG! BANG!**

Zan rubbed the sides of his temple. "Alright which one of you locked Grimm in the cage again?"

Shiro snickered "What can I say, that's where bad kitties belong."

"You're DEAD SHIROSAKI! DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Ichigo let out a sigh and made his way towards the basement.

()()()()

(**Ichigo and Grimmjow)**

"Grimmjow, seriously why do you constantly fall into the same trap over and over?"

"Don't lecture me, brat!"

"Hey I may be a brat but I'm—

"My brat," a grin "Yeah I know, now let me out of here so I can claim my reward.

"Not until you put your tongue back in your mouth."

"I've got a better idea," grin widening "Why don't I put my tongue in your mouth."

"Oh for the love of—What the hell is wrong with you Grimm? If my mother were still alive she'd probably t—

"Tell you to make up your pretty little mind, answer your calling and choose one of your spirit guardians already."

"She would not!"

"Ha! You're getting a bit red there brat, are you catching a fever," a leer "Want me to take your temperature?"

"That's it! I'll just leave you in here."

"No you won't!" The blue-eyed panther shifted into his human form and grabbed hold of the human's forearm.

Delighting in the blush that was quickly rising to the youth's face—loving the feel of the orange-haired boys' almost inhuman skin.

Ichigo wasn't like other humans. He was special. And the only human who had earned his respect.

Grimmjow knew he could never truly claim the brat—for it was not written in the stars—but it didn't mean he couldn't play.

After all the berry was a lot like fine catnip.

Made him horny and insane all at once!

()()()()()

**(Starrk)**

The shinigami with feathers was certainly a delicious distraction but Starrk couldn't help but wonder as to the whereabouts of Ichigo.

The boy had gone down to the basement to "rescue" Grimm from the big bad cage—but that was 20 minutes ago—surely it shouldn't take that long.

"Get your dirty hands off of me!"

"I assure you that my hands are quite clean."

The feminine man thrashed violently in his chair, spewing explicative words in between each cry of "how someone as beautiful as him should not be manhandled!"

The cue ball in the group was glaring daggers at him—should he somehow manage to break free—Starrk might wind up losing one of his limbs.

"Starrk, heel!"

"But Karin-chan I was—

"Must you act so barbaric whenever we have company over?"

Starrk turned to find the green-eyed raccoon spirit guardian standing there, arms crossed.

"Had a nice nap then, Ulquiorra?"

"Where is Kurosaki?"

"Which one? There are three you know?"

"The boy."

A yawn "You know I was just wondering the same thing myself."

()()()()

**(Yumichika)**

Yumichika was outraged!

He was ready to just forget the original plan to kid nap the orange haired ryoka boy—right now the only thing he wanted was a nice bath in the hot springs—Ikkaku could massage his shoulders and wash his hair. He let out a wistful sigh

"Ah sweet bliss."

"Not yet baby but perhaps after I've taken a nap." The coyote guardian winked at him before rising to his feet and disappearing around the corner.

()()()()()

**(Rukia)**

"Would you like some more tea Rukia-nee?"

"Oh yes, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Rukia-nee will you be joining us for dinner?"

"Well I don't see why not."

"Really?"

"Sure."

"And your companions?"

"Eh? Renji'll eat anything, Yumchika-san isn't a picky eater and Ikkaku well I'm sure he'll eat whatever you place before him."

"Yay! We're having company for supper, come Yuzu let's go wake Lili."

The two young girls (well actually one was a female centaur with the mentality of a young girl) left the kitchen, leaving Rukia in the company of good ole uncle Zan.

She couldn't quite put her finger on it but there was something about this strange man—something familiar.

Perhaps they met somewhere in a past life?

()()(()()()

Shinigami World

**(Kenpachi)**

Matsumoto Rangiku, Kyoraku Shunsui, Ukitake Jushiro.

Duck and Run! Here comes the Troublesome Trio.

Only it was not in Kenpachi's nature to Duck since A) He is too tall and B) the act of ducking is a cowards game.

And Running? Ha! He's never run away in any of his lifetimes –except for that one time when Risa-chan interrupted him during his bath time—he did not run because he had been afraid of the woman—no he simply hadn't had any desire to here her gush over the natural hotness that was the relationship of Kensei and Shu-kun.

Kenpachi had nothing against the act of hot man lovin'—Shuhei and Kensei were attractive in their own ways—but well to put it quite simply—Kenpachi liked his men the same he liked his meat.

In his mind men and meat went hand in hand.

In his mind men were meat.

He liked his men/meat RICH, EXOTIC AND RARE.

Very few (if any) could satiate his hunger.

As he downed the remainder of his sake, Matsumoto, Shunsui and Ukitake pulled out chairs and sat down.

"Zaraki, how's it going?"

The man with the flamboyant dressing attire was the first to greet him.

Kenpachi merely grunted.

He had no desire to strike up a conversation with the trio tonight—or any other night for that matter.

"Don't (hic) frown so much," Matusmoto scooted her chair closer to him, "It's going to (hic) be your birthday soon (hic) you should be (hic) happy."

Not this again. Seriously didn't these people have something better to do besides bring up his damn birthday?

Ukitake, the only one who seemed to catch on to his irritation, turned the conversation else where "So do you know when Madarame and Ayasegawa plan to return?"

"They'll return when they're good and ready."

"Um," a slightly drunk laugh "Of course."

After that the man fell silent.

Kenpachi rolled his eyes, made to rise to his feet when he felt Matsumto's hand on his shoulder.

"Don't (hic) leave yet Zaraki-taichou (hic) we have (hic) something to dis (hic) cuss with you."

"Um Rangiku perhaps now isn't a good time."

"Sure it is Ju," a lazy drunk grin "So Zaraki, tell us which do you prefer? Blondes? Brunettes? Or Redheads?

"Really Shun I don't thin—

"Blondes of course! Everybody loves blondes!" As if to empathize her point, Matsumoto grabbed Kenpachi and attempted to smother him with her breasts.

Kenpachi was not the least bit impressed.

Seriously the woman was just as bad as the runts—if not worse!

"Rangiku I think it would be best if you let g—

"No!" Matsumoto blew a childish raspberry at Ukitake and clung on even tighter. This time the woman opted for burying her nose into the crook of Kenpachi's armpit.

"Mm I so do love the smell of a REAL MAN!"

"Alright that's enough—Rangiku you really mu—

"Oh hush Ju-kun, you'll get your chance."

The woman continued her nuzzling, completely oblivious to the fact that Kenpachi felt no desire to nuzzle her back.

Ukitake looked guilty and silently pleaded with Shunsui to help him pry the woman off.

Shunsui did nothing but sit there and sip his sake. After a few minutes he repeated his question "So Blondes, Brunettes or Redheads?"

"Redheads I guess but whatever it is you are planning, I want no part of it."

"Oh you say that now but—Shunsui wiggled his brows "Once you see wh—

"Matsumoto! What the hell are you doing?"

The buxom blonde jumped at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Taichou! What are you (hic) doing here?"

Ah at last, the arrival of the shrimp taichou, Hitsugaya Toshiro

Kenpachi sent a silent thanks to who ever his guardian angel was and then left the pub.

()()()()()

**Human World**

"Alright so now that we've eaten, let's head to the dojo."

"Dojo?"

"We're going to have a little tournament of sorts. It will be you four against Ichigo, not all at once, of course."

"Uh why?"

"Because Rukia-chan has been kind enough to fill me in on your little mission," Zan tapped his cane "If you win at least one match we'll let you take Ichigo back to your world. But should you lose?—Dark eyes flashed behind even darker shades—"Then I'm afraid you'll have to live out the rest of your days in this house, serving and catering to us."

"What the fuck? You're bat shit crazy old man! There's no way in hell I'm g—

"Abarai-kun, do shut up."

Renji gulped and fell silent.

Yumichika turned to the raven-haired woman in the room "Well Rukia-chan since you seem to be on such good terms with these people, why don't you go first?"

"What? This is stupid. Look I don't know what Zan told you but—

"Ichigo."

"Don't Ichigo me, I'm not going to raise my hand to a woman."

"Rukia-san is a lot stronger than she looks. I can sense it." Karin stated knowledgably.

The orange haired youth frowned. "Even so I won't, it doesn't feel right putting my hands on a woman."

"If you're chickinin'' out King, let me do it!"

"No way! You already had your fun with Red over there, the little lady is mine!"

"Grimm, Shiro knock it off!"

Shiro snorted while Grimmjow muttered under his breath.

In the next room

Starrk shifted in his sleep but made no move to wake.

Ichigo studied the raven-haired woman with silver-blue irises—something in her gaze made him think of his mother—even though the color was all-wrong—something about them seemed

"Familiar."

"Huh?"

"Oh uh I'm just saying you kinda remind me of someone I knew from long ago."

The woman's voice sounded pained, distant.

Ichigo felt his stomach clench.

He couldn't stand the sight of a woman looking so upset, so heart broken, shattered.

Zan watched the interaction between the two and reached a decision.

"Alright, Rukia-chan will not fight, she will sit and watch from the side lines as you three face Ichigo."

()()()()()

"Hey! You never said anything about using a zanpakuto!"

"I never said anything about not using one, either."

"But wait how is this even possible? How the hell can a mere human wield—

"Ichi-nii is special."

"Special?"

"Just watch."

()()()()()

**(Yumichika)**

There were very few people or things that would impress Yumichika. But not even a man as arrogant and talented as he, could deny the unlocked potential in one Kurosaki Ichigo.

The human did seem pretty average at first glance (minus the loud orange hair) –one would easily pass over him—and then when it was too late they would realize how stupid it was to underestimate a "mere human"

He couldn't properly measure the orange haired youth's capabilities without fighting him first—but he did know one thing—Ichigo-kun would be a fine addition for his squad.

Yumichika smiled "Taichou is going to love this kid."

()()()()()

**(Shiro)**

King was too fuckin' beautiful when he had blood dripping off him.

The again—King was always beautiful—the blood was just a bonus!

"Red" was just as bloody (not to mention unconscious) but he at least he had proven that he could hold his own against King—at least for a little while any way.

Shiro smirked. The cue ball looked pretty confident with that large weapon he was wielding –King better be careful with this one

"Ahhhhh!"

Then again?

()()()()

Shinigami World

**(Kenpachi)**

Watching Byakuya throw a tantrum was almost as entertaining as watching the stoic man in his spoiled prince mode—if not better.

" I strictly forbid her from dating that idiot. Did she listen? No!"

"I strictly forbid her from traveling to the human world. Did she listen? No!

"I strictly forbid her from lying to me. And yet she continues to do it again and again and again."

Byakuya threw his teacup at the wall. It shattered into fine pieces.

"Why does she do this to me? Why must she be so damn reckless?"

Kenpachi grunted as Byakuya continued his ranting.

"Has she no common sense? Does she really think that idiot can protect her?"

"Well he must have some type of skill, since you accepted him into your division."

Sure Abarai had skills. He just hadn't learned to use them.

"That is not the point!"

Byakuya was grinding his pearly whites together.

"I'm going to send both of them to the 12th division as punishment once they return."

Kenpachi snorted.

Everyone always talked about the 12th division as though it was some kind of hellish factory that housed demons and other unsightly creatures.

He himself had visited the area on more than one occasion and he had found it too be more entertaining than scary.

"How long do Madarame and Ayasegawa plan to stay away?"

"Didn't say. But I bet they'll be back either today or tomorrow."

"And Rukia and Renji are with them?"

A grunt.

"I'll take that as a yes."

()()()()

**Human World**

"I can't believe he was hiding that. Didya know he was hiding that?"

"You've got quite the unique zanpakuto there, Yumichika-kun."

Yumchika said nothing.

"Shiro, Grimm pick up Ichigo and follow me. The rest of you stay here."

()()()()()

**(Shiro/Zan/Grimmjow/Ichigo)**

"You're not really gonna let them take the brat are you?"

"In all the years that you've known me, have I ever lied?"

"No but—

"Fuck this shit! King is ours! He always will be. I'm not handin' him over to some stupid travelers!"

"Shiro, be reasonable."

"Reasonable! I'm plenty fuckin' reasonable old man. In fact I have more damn sense than any of the idiots livin' in this house—if Masaki were here she'd kick your ass!"

"Masaki is not here. And you're just a guardian, you have no true claim or hold over Ichigo."

"We're not just some stupid guardians, we're a hella lot more than that and you know it, old man."

"Can't believe I'm about to say this but puss here is right. We're way fucking more than that!"

"Shiro, Grimmjow," A series of coughs "Stop arguing with Zan."

"Pipe down brat, you should be focusing on getting air back in your lungs."

"Yeah don't strain yourself Ki—

"Zan's word is final! I'm going with them."

"The hell you are!"

()()()()()

Starrk stretched his limbs as he awoke from his slumber,

He let out a content groan as his muscles crackled back into place.

Smoky gray orbs shot open wide when a loud commotion reached his ears.

Oh dear—that could only mean one thing—Shiro and Grimm were seriously pissed the fuck off!

()()()()()

**(Yumichika)**

Once again Yumichika was ready to call the whole thing off.

Really if he had known the humans and non-humans were going to be so damn overdramatic about a simple "mail order bride arrangement" he would've never agreed to it in the first place.

'Course the idiotic redhead was only making matters worse

"Hope you're prepared for the most humiliating experience in your life, Ich—Ryoka! Course no one will blame you if you decide to run cryin' home to mommy once we g—OW WHAT THE FUCK!"

"I'll fuckin kill you if you breathe one more fuckin' word, Red!"

"Not if I kill him first."

"Grimm, Shiro, heel!"

"Karin-chan is right, you two are going about this all wrong," a pause, "Let's all kill him!"

()()()()()

**(Ichigo)**

Ichigo felt torn. For the most part he had no real desire to travel to the shinigami world and leave all he held dear to him behind. But there was a tiny part of him that needed to do this.

He felt it would some how bring him closer to his deceased mother. Masaki hadn't been a shinigami exactly—but she had lived in their world at some point in her teens. It was how she had met his father—or so Shiro had told him many times.

()()()()()

Shinigami World

**(Kenpachi)**

Apparently the insanity virus was flying around Soul Society.

Why else would half of the men be parading around in wigs and gowns?

No—not an insanity virus—rather it was…

The Shinigami's women's association.

The ladies were the culprits behind this little event.

"Aren't they pretty, Ken-chan?"

Pretty is not how Kenpachi would describe the scene that was currently being played out before him.

A bunch of rowdy, drunk, bare-chested men dressed in drag was not his idea of a good time.

He had no desire to see their hairy arm pits or jelly rolls.

Even the ones with out hair and jelly rolls didn't do much for him.

Too plain. Too thin. Too pale. Too desperate.

Kenpachi let out a sigh.

He had only agreed to come to this little gathering because Yachiru had asked him to.

He would not deny the pink haired girl from having her fun.

Not when she giggled and danced around the room.

Still—he wished Ikkaku and Yumichika would hurry the hell up and come back already—hopefully they'd bring a large bottle of strong alcohol with them—one that could knock him out cold for the next week.

That way, his birthday would pass by and when he next awoke from sleep, he could carry on with life as it should be.

()()()()()()()

Why the hell Kenpachi let Shunsui and Ukitake talk him into joining them for a little late night hot springs adventure, he would never know.

Maybe there was an insanity virus after all and it was finally making its way into his body.

()()()()()

"So redheads right?" Shunsui looked like the shameless pervert that he was.

Kenpachi really truly should have just tuned the man out—but he was no fool—if he tried that, the other taichou would only nag him more.

Ukitake looked uneasy (much like always) his eyes kept darting back and fourth between the locked gate and the sky.

"Expecting someone?"

The white haired man looked like a scared little mouse, he submerged almost his entire head into the water.

"I'm here. Where is the birthday boy?"

Surprise!

Yeah no, not quite!

Apparently the trio thought that having Matsumoto dye her hair a cherry wine color would convince him to what exactly?

Bed her?

Kenpachi snorted, "You shoulda just stuck with blond. That red makes you look 10 years older.

Matsumoto let out a horrified scream.

()()()()()

**Human World**

"So remember when we get there, let us do the talking. Think you can handle that Ich—Ryoka boy?"

Rukia bopped the redheaded idiot on the end with her recently acquired umbrella (all thanks to sweet ole' uncle Zan) "Knock it off Renji! We understand that you're sore about losing but you're acting like a child."

"Worse."

"Yes actually I take it back, a child has more manners than you do."

A snort. "A monkey has more manners than this idiot."

"Shut up!"

"Hey uh Ichigo we were hu—

"Look it's fine if Renji doesn't like me, he's not the first person and probably not the last either."

"Hey don't go puttin' words in my mouth Ichi—Ryoka Boy!"

"Hm oh I see, I get it now," Yumichika was mildly amused "Really Abarai-kun I hope you plan to tell Kuchiki-chan before things go any further."

"What is he talking about Renji?"

"Nothin' How the hell should I know?"

"Abarai-kun don't make me hurt you."

"Alright. Damn but but Rukia you have to understand it's just—it's nothin' So he's kinda attractive, so what? I still love you, you have to believe me!"

The redheads' voice cracked.

Rukia wasn't sure what to think. She glanced at the orange-haired boy, looking for answers.

Ichigo just shrugged. He had no idea what was going on anymore.

He had half a mind to turn back but—"Look can we please just get going?"

()()()()()

**(Yumi/Ikka)**

"Think he's caught on yet?"

"Nah, but it's a good thing he left those shape-shifter guardians behind—otherwise we'd have a real problem on our hands."

()()()()

**(Shiro/Grimm/Starrk)**

"This is the last time I agree to hide out in King's suitcase."

"At least the brat was kind enough to wash his underwear."

"zzzzzzzzzzzzz"

(()()()()()()()

**(Ichigo and Rukia)**

"So you have an older brother? Any other siblings?"

"Nii-sama isn't my blood relative, he married my older sister," a pause, "She passed away many moons ago."

"Oh uh I'm sorry."

"Sorry is not necessary because I know I'll see her again some day."

"Hey what are you two talking about over there? Stop ignoring me!"

"Is he always this obnoxious?"

"He sure is."

"And you're really dating?"

"Renji and I have been through a lot. No one really understands what it is that I see in him but," a small smile "They don't know him in the ways that I do."

"Oh. That makes sense I guess."

"So how about you? Any one special in your life?"

"I have my sisters, my guardians and Zan, I don't need anyone else."

"What about friends?"

"Sure. Who doesn't? And hey if you're ever in the human world again I'll introduce you to them."

"I'd like that."

"Hey! Stop getting so cozy over there!"

()()()()()

Early the next morning…

**Shinigami world**

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan guess what?"

"Hm?"

"Yun-Yun and Pachinko are back!"

A grunt.

"And they brought something really pretty with them."

A raised brow

"Are we gonna go greet them Ken-chan," the pink-haired girl was bouncing on his shoulder "Are we? Are we?"

There was a shift in the wind.

A smell in the air.

A new smell.

FRESH MEAT!

"Lead the way, Yachiru!"

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own BLEACH I just like warping it into something that most would probably not approve of. Kubo-sensei you are the man!**

**Originally posted Feb 22, 2010…edited on 6/27/10**

**TO: BONNENUIT, I WROTE THIS FOR YOU!**

**Warnings: Canon/AU combo, plot holes, humor (it wasn't intended but sometimes these things just happen) crack, cliché, non-crack, non-cliché. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, language, mountain of dialogue, break scenes, switching views, a warped spin on shinigami, human and every other type of living, past lives, reincarnations, brief mentioning of death, implied violence, implied pairings, both one-sided and not. And oh so freakin' much more!**

**New Author's Note: SAY YES TO PAST-LIVES AND REINCARNATION! And thank you for reading and expressing your liking for this fic!**

**Rating is probably too high but shrugs.**

Characters: Ichigo, Shiro, Starrk, Grimmjow, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Kenpachi, Yachiru, Renji, Rukia, Zan, Aizen, Byakuya, Matsumoto, others.

Official Pairings: KenpachixIchigo, IkkakuxYumichika, RukiaxRenji, brief mentioning of others.

One sided pairings: ShiroxIchigo, GrimmjowxIchigo, StarrkxIchigo (to a lesser degree) MatsumotoxKenpachi (meant to amuse more than anything, StarrkxYumichika (also meant to amuse) AizenxIchigo (because the "good" taichou can) RenjixIchigo (loosely implied)

Separate category as in not quite official or one-sided. Rather somewhere in between: ByakuyaxIchigo

Summary: Yumichika and Ikkaku want to get their favorite taichou something nice for his "35th" birthday—what better gift is there to give than a cute Ryoka boy from the human world?

**Ryoka Boy: The Non-Traditional Mail Order Bride**

PART 2/3

"Did you hear, Madarame and Ayasegawa have returned and they brought a Ryoka with them."

"A Ryoka you say?"

"Yes one with bright hair and an angry scowl."

()()()()()()

"A Ryoka? Are you certain?"

"Positive."

"Are we having some kind of outlandish "take the humans on a tour day?"

"Not that I know of."

"Hm."

()()())(()()

"Do not let them take one step further into Soul Society!"

"You want us to capture them?"

"Yes and then bring them in for questioning."

()()()

The tea bag had turned a vibrant orange color. The teapot had cracked straight down the middle.

Right on schedule.

It was time to prepare.

"Hinamori-kun, please come away from the window."

"But Aizen-taichou there's some kind of big commotion going on out there, aren't you the least bit curious to find out what it is?"

()()()

It was a bit complicated to stay focused on the task of giving a proper blowjob when a bright new energy had appeared from seemingly out of nowhere.

"Izuru-chan you're getting that far off look in your eyes again."

"Forgive me, I just—didn't you feel that?"

"Hm, can't say that I have."

()()()

"Shit I knew we forgot something."

"Is there a problem?"

"Yeah we got company. Correction, angry company."

"And you call me an idiot, you guys didn't even alert the old geezer of your plans."

"Renji, stop! This isn't the time."

"But Rukia th—

"Am I missing something here?"

"Nothing to worry your pretty little head about Ichigo-kun, just a minor delay."

()()()

Yamamoto Genryusai Shigekuni wasn't the most patient man.

He did not tolerate lying. Nor did he tolerate games.

However, he was a bit of a softy when it came to romance.

And the Ryoka boy was technically family (well at least he had been in a past life anyway)

He decided to let Madarame and Ayasegawa have their fun.

"Very well, Kurosaki Ichigo can stay."

"Oh thank you so much Yama—

"Under the watch of the 11th division."

"Naturally."

"But if he should step one foot out of line or threaten our peaceful world—

"He won't, we promise he—

"**All of you will be punished!"**

Like Dominos, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Renji, Rukia and Ichigo dropped to their knees and started gasping for air.

()()()

Inside Ichigo's suitcase, the guardians weren't faring much better. Grimmjow's fur was turning a sickly shade of green, Shiro's head was pounding violently and Starrk was whining pitifully in his sleep.

()()()

(Kenpachi)

It was no secret that Yachiru had a terrible sense of direction.

Always leading him into dead ends.

Then she'd giggle and say "Oops!"

And naturally Kenpachi couldn't scold the young girl, for he could never unleash anger on Yachiru. She was like the daughter he'd never have.

"This way, This way!"

She tugged on the left side of his hair—signaling to turn that way.

Kenpachi grunted and did just that.

()()()

(Yumichika/Ikkaku/Renji/Rukia/Ichigo)

"We'll take it from here Rukia-chan."

The raven-haired woman looked reluctant to part with Ichigo but she did have to get back to her duties."

"See you tomorrow Ichigo?"

"Ah."

"Don't think you'll get away with out givin' me a rematch Ry—Ichigo."

"Anytime," brown eyes flashed "Renji."

"Hurry up and get out of here you idiot! Don't let your woman walk off by herself at this hour."

With a swift kick, Ikkaku sent Renji flying.

Yumchika smiled approvingly at the sight. He then turned to the orange haired youth "Follow me."

()()()

(Grimmjow/Starrk/Shiro)

"I don't trust these damn Shinigami for a minute!"

"Ah so you noticed it too?"

"How could anyone not notice? Those fucktards have somethin' up their sleeves and King has no idea."

"What do you propose we do then?"

"Not sure yet. For now we'll just sit and watch."

()()()

(Kenpachi)

Sunset…

Another dead end.

"We're lost."

"Na-uh."

"Then where are we?"

"Um an alley?"

"We're lost."

()()() 

(Yumichika and Ikkaku)

Inside their shared quarters Yumichika and Ikkaku were trying to figure out the next step they should take in order to trick the Ryoka boy into becoming their taichou's bride."

"We could always drug him."

"Forced love is not pretty, Ikkaku."

"Well maybe we could find some type of potion or something from the 12th division."

"Are you suggesting a love potion?"

"What? It's romantic."

"For humans, yes. For us? No."

"We could just knock him out and tie him down to taichou's bed."

"Best save any kinky thoughts for their honeymoon, Ikkaku."

"Well why don't we just make up a story then? We could tell him that our taichou is dying and his final wish would be to—

"What? Wed some random Ryoka boy for kicks? Honestly, Ikkaku I'm beginning to think Abarai-kun's stupidity is rubbing off on you."

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Okay so the old man had forbidden him from wandering around on his own but what harm could a little jogging session do?

Ichigo was feeling restless. He couldn't sit around and wait for Yumichika and Ikkaku to return—he'd go crazy from sheer utter boredom.

Mind made up, the orange haired youth slipped on his borrowed outfit (sure it was a bit snug but-) and left the room.

()()()()

(Grimm/Shiro/Starrk)

"Did you hear that?"

"Seems like King took off."

"So are we just gonna stay here or are we gonna go after him?"

"Not too bright are ya pussy-cat?" Shiro tumbled out of the suitcase and shifted into his human form "Course we're going after King!"

Grimmjow snarled, ready to charge at the arrogant liger but Starrk held him back.

"No fighting. Right now we need to focus on finding Ichigo. Nothing else."

Shiro cackled madly and then flew out the door.

Starrk and Grimmjow not far behind him.

()()()

(Ichigo)

An alley.

An alley that led to nowhere

What next misty fog followed by a-

"My, my what's a lonely little Ryoka boy like you doin' wanderin' 'round all by yerself?"

Ichigo whipped around at the sound of an unfamiliar voice.

Silver hair, crimson blood red eyes opened to the tiniest of slits, fox like face twisted into a-

Okay so that wasn't the creepiest looking grin he had ever seen—but it was pretty damn creepy.

The silver-haired man cocked his head to the side "Hmm yer seem ta be a tad bit uneasy there, somethin' wrong little Ryoka?"

Ichigo swallowed hard. Right now his gut instinct was telling him to back far away—run even.

Because the man with the silver hair was dangerous.

/_ 'Damn if only Shiro, Starrk and Grimm were here.'_/

"Back away from the brat!"

That voice. It couldn't be?

"Ya weren't about to harm King were ya?"

Him too. Could it really be?

"Mind introducing yourself so we know what name to place on the grave stone?"

It was…but how?

()()()

(Kenpachi)

"Its here Ken-chan, this time I'm sure."

The scent was getting stronger.

Seems Yachiru was right on target.

Kenpachi grinned—and kicked open the door as if to announce his arrival.

()()()()()

"Taichou!"

"Hn."

"What brings you to er—

"Where's the meat?"

"I beg your pardon."

"The meat. The scent is all over but its strongest here, so where is it?"

Yumichika and Ikkaku shared a look.

Shit this was too soon. He wasn't supposed to…

()()()

(Ichigo)

If he was scared before—right now he was ready to piss himself.

How the hell had one guy knocked out all three of his guardians with a single blow?

"Hmm," the silver haired man stepped over the unconscious forms and advanced towards Ichigo. "What say you and I have a chat, little Ryoka?"

()()()

(Shiro/Grimm/Starrk)

Shiro had never felt more humiliated in his entire existence.

Grimmjow groaned from behind him and held his head "Who the fuck was that guy?"

"Who cares? I'll find him and rip him ta shreds and when there's nothin' left to shred—I'll grind him down until he's nothing more than a pile of dust."

Starrk ignored his throbbing knee and rose to his feet "Worry about grinding and shredding later. We need to find out where he took Ichigo."

()()()

(Ichigo)

"Don't worry so much little Ryoka Boy, Aizen-sama won't harm you."

For some reason Ichigo was not entirely convinced.

Might have something to do with the tune the silver haired man (now known as Gin) was currently whistling.

Eerie wasn't even a strong enough word to describe it.

The silver haired man was leading Ichigo down what felt like a dark, long and seemingly endless corridor.

()()()

(Kenpachi)

Kenpachi frowned uncharacteristically.

Why were his subordinates being so stingy?

Why were they hiding the MEAT from him?

"We have rum taichou, would you like some rum?"

"Or whiskey?"

A grunt.

"Perhaps a nice steak, medium rare just the way you like it?"

Another grunt. He did enjoy steak but that was not the meat he wanted at the moment.

"Or I could go out and slaughter a boar for you? Would you like that Zaraki-taichou?"

"Do remember to skin it first, Ikkaku."

()()()

(Renji/Rukia)

"Thanks for letting me back in the bedroom Rukia."

"Hmm."

"Hey Rukia, think Ichigo's okay?"

"Why wouldn't he be?"

"Dunno, I just got this funny feelin' all of a sudden," a shrug "It's probably nothing."

The raven-haired woman sat up and switched on the lamp. "Be honest Renji do you have some type of romantic feelings for Ichigo?"

"Don't be ridiculous! Yumichika was just saying that because-Renji trailed off.

"Because?"

Brown eyes met silver blue "Well I kinda had a thing goin' on with Ichigo in a past life I mean uh it was nothin' serious times were different and well I guess when I saw him er rather the guy who looks like him-technically it wasn't a he but a she and I was-well anyway it's nothing, just old feelings I was confused for a minute or something."

"So you were sexually confused in a past life?"

"Not even! I uh wasn't well that is to say-brown eyes lowered to the floor and Renji mumbled the last part "we were both women."

"So you wish to be a woman again is that it Renji?"

"What? No! Never!"

Rukia started laughing. "I get it, I know exactly what Yumi-san meant now, you and Ichigo are soul sisters."

"No we're not!"

The laughing continued "Now I understand why you spend so much time on your hair each morning."

"_Rukia!"_

_()()()_

(Ichigo)

It was odd.

He couldn't even begin to explain it.

But Ichigo felt a sense of calm wash over him upon entering the room.

The scent of Sakura blossoms and green tea reached his nose.

The lighting in the room was warm, friendly, inviting.

Completely unlike anything he had been expecting.

He wasn't quite sure what he had been expecting but—

Suddenly a dark energy tainted the room.

"Aizen-taichou, I'm ready to continue now."

A girl had swept into the room. Short, petite, round faced, pink cheeked and brown eyed. Everything about her painted the picture of innocence—all but the dark energy and the single vein twitching on her neck.

Her brown eyes narrowed at him "What are _you_ doing in Aizen-taichou's chambers?"

"Hinamori-kun."

The man turned and spoke at last.

A smooth baritone.

Weird—the way the man spoke and the way the man looked did not add up at all.

Perfectly parted short brown hair, dark brown eyes hidden behind large heavy framed glasses, broad cheekbones, nothing particularly special or exciting about the nose or mouth, sharp chin. Height? It was difficult to say because the man was sitting down but he looked to be about 6 feet or so.

"Yes Aizen-taichou?"

"Return to your chambers. I will see you tomorrow."

And just like that—the dark energy left the room.

Ichigo blinked and then demanded to know what the hell this guy wanted with him?

"It seems they were not exaggerating," a smirk "You are indeed no ordinary looking _Ryoka_ Boy."

The way the man said Ryoka was very different from the way all of the others had said Ryoka—there almost seemed to be a hidden meaning in the term.

Ichigo felt heat rising to his cheeks and quickly tried to stamp it down.

He glared at Aizen.

"You look a bit flushed. Perhaps you should lie down for a while?"

Ichigo was about to protest when he suddenly felt a wave something he couldn't quite place, overwhelm him.

He swayed a bit and then fell to the floor with a dull thud.

()()()

(Aizen)

The boy looked positively delicious.

And it would be all too easy to strip the youth out of his clothes.

All too easy to tease and fondle what surely must be a lovely tight little virgin body.

All too easy to bring the cute little Ryoka to the edge and beyond

()()()

(Guardians)

If Masaki could see them now she'd be so very disappointed. Searching high, searching low and having absolutely no luck finding Ichigo.

Shiro was very close to just blowing Soul Society to bits in order to get to his King but-

"This is pointless. We aren't getting anywhere."

Way to state the obvious Grimm.

"Well then what the hell do you want to do?"

"Let's go find Rukia-chan, maybe she'll have some type of idea."

Ah Starrk always the sensible one.

()()()

"What do you mean Ichigo was kidnapped!"

"Puh—and you guys call yourselves guardians."

"Shh! Keep it down I just got Zaraki-taichou to finally fall asleep."

"Huh? Yumchika-san?"

"Where's the cue ball."

"Ikkaku went hunting."

"Huh?"

"Shh, just walk. We'll talk once we reach the woods."

()()()

(Ichigo)

Ichigo was dreaming.

What he was dreaming about he couldn't really make much sense of.

He just seemed to be sailing along the ocean on a white, red and brown colored ship.

The water was warm, the sky clear.

He continued sailing.

()()()()()()

(Yumichika/Shiro/Starrk)

"Wait! Back up I thought you were joking, you're not really going to turn Ichigo into a bride are you?"

"The Fuck? King ain't no one's bride 'cept mine!"

"Guardian spirits can't have brides or mates."

"You seem to know a lot about our kind Yumichika-kun, tell us what else you know."

()()()()()

(Grimmjow)

Grimmjow was a stubborn ass. Would always be a stubborn ass no matter how many times he had been re incarnated.

Human, hollow, shinigami, spirit guardian, he'd done it all—more times then he could count—and each time his stubborn nature increased!

He figured it was at it's maximum by now but—

There was a loud ringing in his already oversensitive ears.

It was the brat—there was not a single doubt in his mind.

He didn't give two shits about anyone else right now, he'd deal with Shiro and Starrk's wrath later—right now the brat needed him!

Giving no sign or warning to his immediate departure, Grimmjow leapt into the trees in his panther form.

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Octopuses were strange creatures. Their color alone was so strange—and those tentacles—he giggled, they kind of tickled.

Stranger yet the octopus started to sing or hum—whichever.

()()()()

(Kenpachi)

Kenpachi was not the type of person who would sleep walk—or sleep run in this case.

Running through the nearly pitch black streets with only one thing in mind—

MEAT

The smell

It had come again

10 times stronger this time

He must have it!

()()()()()

(Byakuya)

Byakuya had seen many strange things in both this lifetime and the last but he never could have imagined a sight a bizarre as this one.

One, Zaraki Kenpachi running all around Soul Society in the late hours of the night, dressed in what he assumed must be the man's sleep wear (a plain white t-shirt and gray sweat pants—no doubt from the human world—he concluded.

The man was swinging his blade carelessly, no doubt lobbing off some poor unsuspecting Shinigami's limbs as he did so.

"I do not care, so long as he does not come any where near the Kuchiki estate, I do not care what he does."

()()()()()

(Aizen)

The boy was moaning. And whimpering.

He hadn't even touched him yet.

Well not in the physical sense, anyway.

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

He was still dreaming. But now he was in the jungle.

There were many dangerous creatures around here.

He had to be careful.

A rattling sound reached his ears.

He panicked and willed himself to morph, change into an animal.

Hell it was his dream—he could do what he wanted!

Damn it.

Why the hell did he have to turn himself into a tiny mouse of all things?

()()()()()()

(Grimmjow)

Grimmjow abruptly stopped in his tracks—why did he suddenly have the urge to go hunting for a mouse?

He shook his head—

Focus. Stay Focused and Find the Brat!

()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

This time…

There was no mistaking it.

He had found it.

The perfect piece of meat.

A mad grin split onto his face.

He raised his foot and put it right through the flimsy rice paper.

()()()()

"Oh my! Zaraki-taichou you really should warn a woman before coming in."

Matsumoto dropped her mint green towel and made her way towards him, "Not that I mind too much,"

Her eyes said it all.

She was simply ravenous.

For him!

Kenpachi wanted no part of it. He didn't really like to be rough with a woman but right now he just didn't care.

Matsumoto let out an excited cry of delight when Kenpachi tossed her none too gently away from him.

He grunted, threw her towel at her and then stormed away.

()()()

(Byakuya)

There was a loud crashing noise waking Byakuya from his slumber.

He was going to slowly and painfully kill the person responsible.

Throwing his night robe and fuzzy slippers on (What? Even a nobleman such as himself liked some treasures from the human world every now and then)

Byakuya flicked on the lamp and then made his way out into the hallway.

Zaraki was standing there looking well—the man always looked unstable but this?

There was a wild, positively beast like look in his eyes, his reiatsu was almost at its peak, barely being contained with the eye patch, blood dripping from his chin and both of his knuckles. His pajamas –Byakuya raised a brow—they had certainly seen better days.

"Hot tea."

"Hot tea? Surely the man didn't expect him to—

"Now!"

Silver-violets narrowed. Byakuya did not appreciate being ordered around—by anyone.

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Hawks. Now they were fascinating creatures.

The way the swooped down and captured their prey.

It was—wait a minute! Why was there suddenly a large cat glaring at him—no it wasn't glaring at him, it was glaring at the hawk—well actually glaring wasn't the proper word—

WTF?

()()()()()

(Aizen)

"Seems someone is trying to come between us, my dear sweet Ryoka Boy."

Said "Boy" shifted in his sleep.

"This is where we part."

A single kiss—just above the boy's brow.

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

There was a sudden breeze sweeping over his body, Ichigo shivered and woke up.

To find himself alone. In a bed that most definitely was not his.

He shrugged and fell back to sleep.

()()()

Being a shapeshifting spirit guardian sure had its advantages some times.

All too easy to scale the walls and slip pass the guards.

All too easy to break into a door that was bolted shut.

Of course having been a locksmith in a past life was another plus.

"Are we getting any closer Shiro?"

"Yep. King is here and the pussy-cat is with him."

()()()

(Grimmjow)

He had watched the brat sleep many times.

He'd never tire of it.

He wished, dreamed that he could just bend, break the law and truly call Ichigo his own.

This boy was his entire world. The one he had searched for throughout all of his lifetimes.

Never finding him until this lifetime.

And even now—like a bad love song—the orange haired brat was far out of reach.

He seethed with anger.

It was beyond unfair.

"What happened puss?" Shiro cracked his knuckles "Heads will roll if King was harmed."

"Why did you run off with out letting us know? Why must you be so reckless?"

Damn it not now! He had no desire to listen to Shiro's bitchin' and Starrk's lectures right now.

He just wanted to spend time with the brat.

The other two guardians had a lot of shared moments with Ichigo, because they had been around a lot longer than he himself had been.

There was a special bond between the 3 of them. One that he was not part of.

He hated it.

"Grimm snap out of it and tell us what the hell happened!"

()()()()

"Wait so are ya tellin' us that you can suddenly experience the same dreams as King?"

"I'm not sure what it was exactly but yeah something lead me to him."

"Did you see anything else—something that might—

"The guy was gone before I got here."

"Was it t—

"No. This one was different. Stronger. Even though a great amount of his power was masked."

"What do you think h—

"Wanted? Hell if I know but the brat wasn't harmed, just scared."

"Fuckin' bastards!" Shiro shifted the sleeping orange haired boy in his arms "Thinkin they can touch King."

"Look I think we all know what this means."

"All bets are off. Screw the agreement."

"Yes. We're leaving and taking Ichigo back home."

()()()

(Byakuya and Kenpachi)

"You don't get it, its here, somewhere around here and I can not and will not leave until you tell me where it is."

Byakuya looked totally and completely confused. He had no idea what Kenpachi was talking about.

The area smelled completely normal to him. Nothing out of place or unusual—well except fro the slightest trace of Ryoka—but it wasn't a bad smell—quite the opposite.

He concluded that the excitement of the unknown Ryoka boy was getting to everyone—including Kenpachi.

It made no sense to him. The last time he had visited the human world, he had found nothing particularly special there.

"This is ridiculous I'm going back to bed."

()()()()()()

At Dawn..

(Yumichika, Ichigo Shiro and ?)

"Rise and shine Ichigo-kun!"

Yumichika's voice was cheery and full of life. He was practically floating around the room, reminding Ichigo very much of a bird.

_/Which is fitting considering his zanpakuto'/_

Ichigo yawned and made to rise from his bed but found the act to be quite impossible.

He furrowed his brows.

What the hell?

Yumichika noticed the orange-haired youth's frown "Is something wrong, Ichigo-kun?"

The last thing Ichigo wanted to do was ask for help to get out of bed. The very thought was utterly ridiculous.

"I'm fine."

Yumichika didn't seem to buy it for a minute.

He approached the bed only to fall flat on his ass.

Yumichika was not a clumsy man. And he damn sure did not trip over his own beautiful feet.

So he concluded that it could only be the spirit guardians—they were messing with him.

He was not amused.

"Hiding like cowards is ugly, come out and show yourselves!"

There was a snicker and then a single popping noise.

"Shirosaki?"

"Morning King."

"That was not funny."

The liger guardian ignored the feminine man in favor of pouncing on the berry "So guess what King?"

"Shiro, get off me!"

"No. Now guess what?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes "Fine what?"

"We're leaving."

Yumichika felt his brow twitch "Do my ears deceive me or did you just say you were leaving?"

"Ya heard right pretty boy, we're going back to our world and there's nothin' ya can do about it."

Shiro was in brat mode. Ichigo couldn't help but laugh. He hadn't seen that elfish grin on the liger's face in a long time.

"Oh yeah and who made that decision?"

"We all did. Last night after we rescued ya."

"Rescued?" Ichigo scratched his head. He couldn't remember much of last night, just bits and pieces, a scrambled mess. "Rescued me from who?"

Shiro started playing with the orange-haired youth's hair "Does it really matter?"

"Yeah actually it kind of does. I'm sure you heard that old man who runs this place, there will be hell to pay if we cause some type of disaster while we're here in Soul Society."

"Relax King, Grimm and Starrk are on their way to the old geezer right now."

()()()()()

"This is stupid Shiro, I'm not going to run back home just because that strange silver-haired guy freaked me out a bit yesterday."

"He did more than freak you out or have you forgotten?"

"Look Shiro I can understand if you guys were caught off guard but you don't have to prove anything, I'm sure if we ever crossed paths with him again, he wouldn't stand a c—

The door banged open.

"GOTCHA!"

A strange, large muscular beast with spiky black hair and an insane grin had knocked the liger to the side and was now merely a couple inches a way from Ichigo's face.

Yumichika's eyes shot open to the size of dinner plates. He had to think fast—and get Ichigo away from his taichou—it was still too soon not to mention he hadn't even gotten the boy to agree yet.

He bit his bottom lip, grabbed Ichigo and fled so fast it was as if hellhounds were at his heels.

()()()

(Ichigo and Yumichika)

Ichigo had no idea who the large burly man had been but he was kinda glad that Yumichika had grabbed him—otherwise…

A shudder ran down his spine.

"Um Yumichika-san?"

"Yes Ichigo-kun?"

"Who or what was that?"

Yumichika debated about whether or not he should play stupid.

He decided against it.

"That man back there was your future husband."

"WHAT!"

()()()()

(Shiro)

Oh that was it! That was it!

No more nice Shiro—he didn't care how, big, bad and dangerous this guy might be.

He was going to kick his ass!

()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

Kenpachi grinned.

A shape-shifter guardian. He certainly hadn't encountered one of these in quite a long time.

And this particular one seemed to have a certain blood lust.

Things were finally starting to look up.

()()()()()()

(Shiro)

Shiro easily dodged the blade and leapt backwards into a crouched fighting stance.

He licked his lips. He was going to enjoy this.

()()()

(Grimmjow/Starrk)

"So do you believe it?"

"What?"

"What that woman in there said."

"Yeah I believe it but I damn sure don't like it. Seems a bit unfair if you ask me. Who the hell do these shinigami think they are anyway? And what the hell gives that old bearded geezer the right to run the brats life?"

"The same law that prevents us from being with Ichigo."

"It's bullshit! All of it! Stars my ass! Contract my ass! Prophecy my ass! I swear if I ever come across that damn goat chin in another lifetime, I'll kick him so hard he'll be shitting out of tube for the rest of his life!"

"If Masaki was still alive she wouldn't let them come anywhere near Ichigo."

"Never met the woman sadly but—

"Trust me, Ichigo got all of his best qualities from her."

A sigh "How are we going to break this to Shiro?"

"Hm something tells me we won't have to. I'm betting he already knows."

"Bastard. Keeping something like this from us."

"Forget about our feelings. Ichigo is the one who—

"Yeah, yeah I know," another sigh "I damn sure hope this doesn't break the brat."

"I don't think so. He's a lot stronger than we give him credit for."

"Yeah don't I know it?" A grin "Course with guardians like us, there's no way that brat could be a weakling."

"Couldn't have said it better if I said it myself."

()()()

(Ichigo)

"I realize it's a lot to digest but my taichou is actually a v—

"I'm not saying I'm happy to learn that I was tricked, nor am I saying I'll agree to all of this but—

"What are you saying?"

"I—I need to just get away and think for awhile."

"When you say a while."

"I'll see you later."

"Wait but when will you be back?"

Ichigo did not give an answer. He just continued walking away.

Maybe he'd go find a garden.

Surely there had to be one around here somewhere.

Sitting in the garden always brought upon a sense of calm to him back in the human world.

He supposed it was because of his mother, while the woman had been alive she had loved spending time out in the garden, painting on a canvas or playing with him in the soft grass.

Yes he would go search for a garden.

()()()

(Kenpachi)

The liger guardian hadn't backed down in their fight, did not turn and run.

Didn't even have a scratch on it. Nor had it appeared to be out of breath or energy.

And yet almost abruptly, it had simply stopped.

And grinned at him.

"So you're the one."

It had not been a question but a statement.

Kenpachi was quite confused.

The liger (currently in its human form) put its hand out, expecting a shake.

Kenpachi complied.

()()()()()()

(Shiro)

Shiro did not release the large hand right away. He had a few things to say first.

"Number one: If you hurt King I will rip your eyes right out of their sockets and feed them to our centaur back home. Number two: King's real name is Ichigo, as in one who protects. Not berry, not brat, not punk or any other retarded pet name got it? Number three: Never treat King like a woman," Gold eyes narrowed "Think you can handle that?"

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

No signs.

There were no signs telling him "**Do not Enter**"

No signs reading **"Keep off! Private Property."**

And yet the signs were not necessary. The area was clearly secluded from the rest of Soul Society.

Ichigo was not the type to just wander into someone's home (or in this case a back yard ) but something was pulling him towards this place.

There was not a single question or doubt in his mind—this place, this sanctuary was right where he needed to be.

()()())()()

(Kenpachi)

In order to find everlasting romantic bliss one must always remember the 4 basic steps.

Track. Catch. Court. Mate.

One and two would be easy.

Three and four however, that would be a little more tricky.

()()()

(Byakuya)

Rain in Soul Society was a rare thing. But when it did happen, the thunder gods must've been having a fucking field day.

Not sprinkles or small drops but heavy raindrops and even heavier wind.

Sometimes the wind pressure was so strong it would knock over the rare china perfectly placed inside the cabinets.

The windows would shake and sometimes crack due to the force.

Only a fool would be outside in this kind of weather.

Apparently that fool was the orange haired Ryoka boy.

Did he think it was fun to go wandering around in the middle of a storm?

Think it was perfectly normal to run and jump like some sort of love struck idiot?

Okay-perhaps that was a tiny bit of an exaggeration but still—why sit down in the wet grass?

What did one gain from that?

()()()

"Are you simply an idiot or do you have a reason for sitting out here in the rain?"

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Ichigo stood up and turned around at the sound of an unfamiliar voice.

Wet, medium length glossy black hair, partially held back by a delicate hair piece, perfect needle point thin brows, vanilla creamed toned skin, eyes, not quite gray, blue or amethyst. Nose, mouth and chin (thin, sharp, pointed) Scarf wrapped around a swan like neck, standard shinigami attire with a different type of insignia.

One of the taichou's then.

And a good looking one at that.

Clearly a woman even if she did have a deep voice.

"I didn't mean to cause any problems miss, I simply felt drawn to this place,"

Eyes narrowed "What did you just call me?"

"Well uh miss since I don't actually know your name."

()()()

(Kenpachi)

Yes three and four might be a little challenging but not impossible.

Since it seemed that he and Ichigo were quite possibly (most likely) destined to be together.

For Kenpachi had already encountered the boy in at least 5 past lives.

In the first lifetime he'd been in a King in Scotland married to Rangiku by law, title and obligation only. The only one that he had truly had eyes for had been the cute little servant boy with bright orange hair. While the buxom blonde ran off into the late night to go dancing with the knights in the dangerous parts of the woods, the cute little orange haired servant would sneak in to Kenpachi's chambers and stay with him until sunrise.

The second lifetime Kenpachi had been your standard bad boy and had not cared much for school or well anything really. He'd spend his weekends and free time working in the auto shop run by Hirako Shinji and Sarugaki Hiyori and the triplets. Kon, Ogi and Ichigo. Non Identical. Since Kon and Ogi were boys and Ichigo was a girl. A girl who had streaks of lilac in her long orange hair. A girl who wasn't ashamed to flaunt her goods. A girl who put the _blow_ back in blow jobs.

In his third life time he'd been a photographer filming a young model and his lover. The young model (Ichigo) was rumored to be quite an angry, blushing mess on film. Funny, the berry had seemed quite lively (even dare he say?) flirtatious while Kenpachi had been filming him. The lover had been completely oblivious to the looks that were being sent back and forth between the boy and himself.

In his forth lifetime he had been sailing on the high sees in search of an adventure only to crash land on an a desert island with his only companion a rare Neko!hybrid.

In Kenpachi's fifth life-time after much whining and begging, Ikkaku and Yumichika had dragged him into a brand new night club. The club itself hadn't been anything special but the one on stage, not the one sitting on top of the piano and singing her heart out, no the one playing the piano. Orange brows furrowed in deep concentration as perfect fingers danced across the keyboard. It was cliché but Kenpachi had fallen hard.

All other life times remained a blur but…

If that wasn't a thumbs up, a go for it!—he didn't know what was.

()()()

(Byakuya)

He could simply slice the Ryoka brat into millions of tiny pieces.

Barely bat an eye as the humans' delicate skin was sliced to fine ribbons.

Yes he could very much kill this smart mouthed punk.

But oh—there was a much more satisfying alternative.

Well (smirk) for him anyway.

()()()

(Ichigo)

The woman moved at lighting speed—no faster.

One minute she'd been glaring daggers at him and the next?

She was behind him, strong fingers grabbing him by the hair, forcing him down on his knees in the wet grass.

Less than a split second later, she was on top of him—and he came to realize that this was NO woman at all.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: If I owned BLEACH Shiro really would be part liger. But I don't so…everyone go and worship Kubo-sensei…he's the genius!**

TO: BONNENUIT, I WROTE THIS FOR YOU!

Warnings: Canon/AU combo, plot holes (it wasn't intended but sometimes these things just happen) crack, cliché, non-crack, non-cliché. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, language, mountain of dialogue, break scenes, switching views, a warped spin on shinigami, human and every other type of living, past lives, reincarnations, brief mentioning of death, implied violence, implied pairings, both one-sided and not. And oh so freakin' much more!

Characters: Ichigo, Shiro, Starrk, Grimmjow, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Kenpachi, Yachiru, Renji, Rukia, Zan, Aizen, Byakuya, Matsumoto, others.

Official Pairings: KenpachixIchigo, IkkakuxYumichika, RukiaxRenji, brief mentioning of others.

One sided pairings: ShiroxIchigo, GrimmjowxIchigo, StarrkxIchigo (to a lesser degree) MatsumotoxKenpachi (meant to amuse more than anything, StarrkxYumichika (also meant to amuse) AizenxIchigo (because the "good" taichou can) RenjixIchigo (loosely implied)

Separate category as in not quite official or one-sided. Rather somewhere in between: ByakuyaxIchigo

Summary: Yumichika and Ikkaku want to get their favorite taichou something nice for his "35th" birthday—what better gift is there to give than a cute Ryoka boy from the human world?

A/N I'll admit I'm a little surprised that this story has been so enjoyable to a lot of you. Here's the final part. Thanks much for your R and R

SLY

(Kenpachi)

For reasons he couldn't really explain, he felt the need, an urge to head on over to the Kuchiki estate.

Something told him that by going there, he would be led to his intended.

()()()()()()()

(Byakuya)

There was no real harm in mock mounting.

It was merely a way to humiliate the cocky brat.

He wanted to make something perfectly clear.

He was 100 percent MALE

()()()()()()()

(Ikkaku and Yumichika)

"So what you're saying is—

"I let him know about our plan, yes."

"So where is he?"

"I'm not sure. I think he ran off to vent somewhere."

"Okay so are we going to go after him or—

"I'm thinking we should just let taichou find him."

"But then we won't have a gift to give him on his actual birthday."

Ikkaku listen to me carefully, we let taichou catch Ichigo-kun but that doesn't me we'll let him HAVE him."

"You do realize we're going to get a major ass kicking for this one, don't you?"

"Please do not use such ugly profanity, Ikkaku."

()()()()()

(Starrk/Grimmjow)

Once again we find our two guardians trying to sniff out and hunt down the big baddies who dared to touch their Ichigo.

Unfortunately…

"The bastard is hiding somewhere, I just know it."

"He probably is but something tells me that even if he weren't, getting anywhere near him would be next to impossible."

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Byakuya was attractive—very attractive.

Ichigo had started to like this little dry humping session a little—a little too much.

But there was some small voice nagging at him in the back of his mind—a voice telling him that this was all wrong.

So he told the man (Byakuya) to get the fuck off!

Only he hadn't sounded very convincing at all.

Rather he had sounded breathy, lustful, lost in the haze of mock rutting.

Then out of nowhere ..

Energy, an insane amount of energy, a brilliant almost blinding gold color (brought to mind the old foreign fairy tale about the girl, the leprechaun and the spinning the straw into gold) -The sheer intensity of it, the power, the raw ness, the heat.

Somehow a perfect compliment to Ichigo's own erratic energy.

He recognized it, vaguely. He had experienced a flicker of it once before.

()()()

(Shiro/Starrk/Grimmjow)

"You're grinning."

"So I am."

Any particular reason?"

"King is in good hands," A smirk "Or rather, he will be."

"He—argg fuck me!"

"Told you this would happen."

"Yeah, yeah," a sigh "So what now?"

"Well I suppose we should start making the preparations for the ceremony."

"Wait—isn't it too soon?"

"Nah, King needs this, he's too uptight."

"Hmph, I still don't like it."

"There, there pussy-cat we still have each other."

"Ugh, I'd rather rip my claws out."

"That can be arranged."

"Shiro, Grimm enough!"

"He started it!"

Starrk sighed. Funny how he was the most level headed and mature out of their trio and yet Shiro was technically the oldest.

()()()

(Kenpachi)

Screw the steps!

There was no way in hell he was going to wait anymore.

He saw no reason to since the orange haired boy was already shamelessly offering his ass up to the 6th division taichou.

Granted both of them were still fully clothed but there was no mistaking a scene like the one currently being played out before his eyes (Yes eyes, he opted to leave the patch behind for once)

Probably not the wisest thing to do but—

Damn what an ass!

"Ngh"

How dare the spoiled prince try to take what was rightfully his.

THAT ASS WAS HIS!

()()()

(Ichigo)

He didn't appreciate being lifted up and swung over the man's shoulder, dangling upside down like a sac of potatoes.

Apparently Byakuya had come to his senses or something because he made no sound of protest—rather the noble man just turned around and walked away.

_/'Bastard if I ever see him again I'll kick his ass!'/_

()()()()()()

Through the trees, deep down into the recesses of the forest—blood rushing to his head, making him dizzy, ill. He pounded on the broad muscular back, screamed until his lungs went hoarse.

()()()()()

Gnawing was one thing— having the man practically rip his lips off—he damn sure didn't appreciate that!

()()()()

**When Beasts Attack!**

This particular beast was one of unconventional beauty.

Although beauty probably wasn't the proper word to use when describing Kenpachi.

Hot, sexy, devilish, ultra-MANLY.

Yes those words were better suited for this beast.

The scars adorning the man's face gave him character, edge.

The eyes, tiny black pupils, reminding Ichigo of the old-fashioned ink his mother had loved to use when she wrote love sonnets.

The nose, (perhaps some where down the mans' bloodline there was a trace of Greek or Russian. Whatever it was—it just fit.

Much like the lips, which had nearly devoured him, only seconds ago, thin, color like grainy sand mixing with blood.

The standard shinigami attire did nothing to hide that extremely well muscled body.

Ichigo did not appreciate the man ripping his borrowed clothing—Yumichika would have a fit!

He did not expect the man's hands, (ruff and confident) to feel so damn good on his now exposed backside.

Not quite how Ichigo had pictured his first time to be but—

A bright purple mist suddenly appeared out of nowhere, filling the air…

()()()

(Shiro/Old Man Yama/Starrk)

"Poison! What the Fuck gives ya the right to poison King?"

"Relax young liger, it was only a small dosage, nothing fatal."

"Listen here you stupid ole' geezer I don't give a fuckin' damn about this place or ya. I only care about King," golden eyes narrowed to thin slits "A snap, a simple snap of fingers and I can end your precious Soul Society."

"Shiro, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down, go make yourself useful for once and go watch King."

"Grimmjow is watching Ichigo."

"That's not good enough, ya stupid coyote!" Shiro snarled viciously at the lazy eyed guardian.

()()()()()()())()

(Kenpachi)

**REAL MEN DAMN SURE DO NOT CRY!**

"Don't cry taichou, Ichigo-kun will be just fine."

A grunt "Who the hell is crying?"

"There is nothing wrong with shedding a few tears, taichou."

"Yeah take this idiot for example—

"HEY!"

"He cries all the time."

A snort "That's like comparing an ape to a serpent, completely different species, completely different personalities."

"Serpents are beautiful, apes are ugly."

"Hey!"

()()()

(Ichigo and Grimmjow)

"So what you're saying is that this whole journey to Soul Society was actually predestined?"

"That's the basics, yeah."

Ichigo fell back onto his pillow and let out a groan. "Why do these things always happen to me?"

"Believe me brat if I knew the answer to that one, I would gladly share it."

"I mean a contract? Written, signed and made into a law? Why the hell would goat face go through such lengths to—

"It wasn't all his doing, the higher powers, they have the final say in everything."

"Higher powers?"

"Gods, goddesses, that sort of thing you know."

"No actually I was under the impression that gods and goddesses were nothing more than a myth."

"Everything and everyone stems from some type of truth, brat."

A sigh "What do you think I should do?"

"Me?"

"Don't look so shocked Grimmjow, you know I value your opinion."

"Really?" (If Grimmjow were in his animal form right now, his tail would surely be wagging) Voice light and teasing, "That the only thing you value about me?"

"Stop! Okay we are so not going down the road."

A lecherous grin "Oh but Ichigo we'd have so much _fun_ if we went down that road, you _know_ we would."

"Grimm I—argg why do you always do this?"

"Do what brat?"

"This-this coming on to me thing?"

"It's all part of the guardian package I guess."

"No it's different. I can feel it."

"Don't know what your talking about brat, think you mighta inhaled more of that poison than we originally thought."

"Bullshit! I know there is uh something—

"Yeah well even if there was, it doesn't matter."

"The hell it doesn't!"

"No it doesn't matter and it fuckin kills me that I—

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Look brat forget it, just be happy okay?"

"Who said I wasn't happy?"

"You're not," an honest grin "But you will be."

"Are we going back into the whole destiny thing again?"

"Yep," a smirk "And you brat, are destined to be the bride to a beast."

"What the hell? Why does everyone refer to me as a bride? I'm not a damn chick, I'm just as much of a man as he is!"

A chuckle "I'll be sure to tell him that when I give him my personal blessing, brat."

()()()

(Kenpachi)

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan guess what?"

"Huh?"

"It's almost cake time. Are you excited?"

A grunt.

"Ken-chan what's wrong?"

Another grunt. "Nothing."

"Nuh-uh some thing is wrong, you're not wearing your hair ornaments today—it looks all droopy."

A third grunt.

"I know what you need Ken-chan," a wide grin "A makeover!"

Kenpachi made no sound of protest. There was no point.

Yachiru's makeovers were harmless—well for the most part.

()()()()()()()

(Ichigo and the guardians)

"King hurry up and come out already, it's almost time for the big ceremony."

"Fuck off! I'm not coming out."

"Oh come on Ichigo, its not that bad. Rukia-chan assured us that what you're wearing is perfectly normal for a bridal ceremony."

"I'm not a fucking bride!"

()()()

(Whispering conversation between the three guardians.)

"So what gown did you and Rukia-chan select?"

"There's no gown."

"Really then what did you pick?"

The liger leaned over and whispered in the coyote's ear.

"A _Fundoshi?"_

Shiro cackled madly. "Hey it's not like the groom hasn't seen his bride nearly naked before."

"Shit. No wonder he's refusing to come out."

"Uh Shiro you do realize just how many shinigami are to attend this ceremony don't you?" Starrk sounded quite panicked.

Shiro continued cackling and then added, "Only a select few will be able to see what King is really wearing (Rukia, the groom and us) To everyone else, it will just look like the standard wedding kimono."

"You didn't?"

"I sure did."

()()()

(Kenpachi)

"Wakey, wakey Ken-chan."

A groan.

"Come on, come on its time!"

"I don't feel like going anywhere."

The door banged open.

"I really do think it would be best for you to listen to the child, Zaraki-taichou."

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

"As soon as the groom gets here, we can start the ceremony."

This was ridiculous. All of it.

So Ichigo was destined to mate a sexy beast.

And the guy just happened to be celebrating his birthday on the same day.

So what?

He didn't need to wear some extravagant kimono, loud gaudy jewelry and a stupid crown on his head in order to show the man he belonged to him.

Kenpachi already knew.

Ichigo had made damn sure of it.

()()()

(Kenpachi)

"Hurry up Ken-chan!'

"If you want cake, don't let me stop you. Go on ahead, Yachiru."

"Really?"

A grunt.

"Okay."

The pink haired pixie ran until she was out of sight.

That's one down—now he just had to get rid of..

"She's quite energetic isn't she?"

Why did he suddenly feel the urge to punch Aizen in the face?

Break his nose?

Make him bleed?

Rip out the smooth perfectly coifed hair from the man's scalp?

Grip the man's neck and just squeeze?

Squeeze until the man turned blue?

Oh yeah that's right –

It was all coming back to him now

He had received the information, courtesy of that lazy-eyed spirit guardian.

Aizen had drugged Ichigo.

Drugged and played with Ichigo.

Without the boy's consent.

Without a care for consequences.

For that was right—this man walking at his side—although a great deal shorter than Kenpachi—Aizen was not a weakling—the man believed himself to be above the rules, above consequences, above everyone and everything.

In order to attack Aizen Sousuke, one had to be stealthy, quick, ready for a counter attack.

Ready to risk it all.

The slightest hesitation, a minor slip up, a micro inch of leaving himself open for attack—that would be Kenpachi's end.

Ah Drama.

It was just too damn overrated!

Kenpachi lifted his eye path and swung his blade

()()()

(Aizen)

The old man clearly did not understand anything about true love.

He was too busy smacking all of the bad misbehaving "boys and girls" with his cane.

Too busy picking his nose hair and scratching his equally hairy behind.

Truly pathetic.

If old man Yama did understand true love he would see and understand the reason for love trials.

Perhaps if he wasn't so damn stubborn and stuck in his ways.

If he had only taken the time to sit down and listen to the gypsy (the humans called her)

Yes it all started with her.

A dark-haired woman with bronze toned skin and olive colored eyes.

She was the one who had helped finalize the contract with the higher powers.

The one who had predicted all of those unfortunate deaths in chronological order.

The one who had known that, he, Aizen Sousuke, would lead the 5th division toward greatness.

The one who knew when the man with the bells would appear.

She was the one who knew that on the man's ("35th birthday-in human years") two subordinates from the 11th division would set out and find the Ryoka boy.

Knew that the Ryoka boy would appear. Knew that he would not be alone.

Ah yes the crazy gypsy (who truthfully hadn't been all that crazy) had know all about the spirit guardians.

She had known everything.

But very few had listened to her.

Aizen, himself, had listened.

And then he set out and played his part.

As the villain.

And he enjoyed every minute of it.

The boy was delicious—just as the gypsy had predicted—just as Aizen had known.

The temptation to claim the Ryoka boy had nearly gotten to him.

But Aizen was no fool.

Not even he, a man who feared very little in life, would meddle with the higher powers.

Or rather-he wouldn't meddle much.

Ah humans and shinigami alike, so completely and utterly predictable.

Acting without thinking.

Letting love, jealousy, hatred, cloud their minds.

Left themselves wide open for attack.

Exposed.

()()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Ichigo ignored the protests of "Stop!" and "Wait!" and just left the celebration.

()()()()

"You know where I come from, if the husband leaves the bride standing at the alter it's con-Ken-Kenpachi!"

Blood. Blood. Too much blood.

"So predictable."

Out from the shadows, looking positively evil, stepped the taichou from the 5th division, a small smirk on his face.

()()()()()

Fighting Aizen certainly hadn't been planned. But then again coming out here, with the intention to lecture the groom on punctuality only to find said "groom" bleeding out from every pore, well things changed.

Driven by fear, anger and a myriad of other emotions, body moving before his mind had fully registered everything—Ichigo had charged!

()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

He felt a bit miffed.

Why had Ichigo conveniently forgotten to tell him that he could fight?

On par with one of the strongest men in Soul Society.

Okay so granted it was only an illusion—a powerful illusion and he was actually quite impressed with how real it looked—but still, he felt irritated.

What kind of idiot hides that kind of strength?

Still—wow his "dead body" did look quite realistic, the way the blood was just the right shade—

Ichigo was going all out

Behind the slightly crazed burning rage, there were tears.

Tears barely being suppressed—prickling at the corners of those pretty cinnamon and coffee brown eyes.

Kenpachi felt his heart clench.

He hated to see Ichigo looking so damn sad.

Shit!

He suddenly felt the urge to beat the shit out of Aizen again—the only thing holding him back was the story that Aizen had told him just moments before the orange youth had showed up on the scene.

(Aizen)

Far from ordinary.

Ah how he did hope the lovely Ryoka boy would stick around long after he was mated to the wild man with bells.

There was so much potential.

The boy could do great things.

And in time he'd make an excellent taichou.

Aizen would normally never dream of grouping him self and the word "giddy" in the same sentence, but yes right now he felt pretty damn giddy!

"KING!"

Damn he wished the guardians had stayed away for a little while longer.

Oh well

There was no longer a reason to drag this out.

And so with barely a blink, he ended the illusion and disappeared before one could utter

WTF?

()()()()()()

(Ichigo and Co)

"Poor brat. He's actually sobbing. He needs to open his eyes and realize—

"Wake the fuck up King!"

Love. They had not yet reached that level yet. It was too soon. Hell he'd only been here for what a week? Maybe more? Not to mention he was only 17 years old for fucks sake!

But anyway.

The potential was there.

Or rather it had been.

It's kind of impossible to grow to love someone when they are dead.

"BOO!"

"Shiro you bas—Kenpachi!"

He could hear Shiro cackling madly "I don't think I've ever seen you look so positively uke-ish King."

Quite predictably, the orange haired youth turned a fine crimson color.

Which only made Shiro cackle louder.

Grimmjow and Starrk weren't much help. They were too busy rolling on the floor and clutching their bellies with laughter.

"You guys suck! When we get back home I'm telling Karin to lock all of you in the cage!"

Almost instantly the guardian trio fell silent.

Color slowly returning to normal, Ichigo smirked and then fell into Kenpachi's arms and passed out.

()()()

When Ichigo regained consciousness it was not Kenpachi's or even one of his guardian's faces to greet him-rather it was—

A gigantic set of boobs barely being constricted in their tiny black bikini top.

"Aren't you just the cutest little Ryoka I've ever laid my eyes on."

The owner of the gigantic boobs had a voice. A squeaky high pitched voice.

"Matsumoto!"

The boob woman now known as Matsumoto jumped and Ichigo found that he could breathe quite normally again.

He sat up.

And took in his surroundings.

Pink. Lots and Lots of Pink.

The Shinigami in Soul Society were either seriously sexually deprived individuals or just enjoyed teasing a traveler like him.

Well at least he hadn't been drugged this time but still-

"But taiiichou I wanna stay with the cute little Ryoka. I promise I'll finish my rounds just as soon as-

"Matsumoto!"

It was almost comical how such a shrimp could sound so intimidating.

Even more amusing how the shrimp was now dragging the squeaky boob woman out of the room as though she was no lighter than a feather.

"Ichi, Ichi what are you doin' silly. You're gonna miss Ken-chan's cake-time."

Another voice. One that Ichigo did not recognize.

"Oof!"

The owner of said voice jumped on his back "Horsey, give Yachiru a horsey ride to Ken-chan's cake-time."

Small hands pinched his cheek. A small child then.

Ichigo never could ignore a child.

"Let's go Ichi, let's go!"

()()()

Kenpachi didn't care about cake. Ichigo quickly found that out.

The only thing the man cared about was…

"I haven't had a decent battle in ages. Prepare yourself Ichigo!"

It was almost romantic in away when the beast gave the berry a running start…

()()()

48 hours and 5 training sessions later…

(Kenpachi)

Kenpachi had never thought that there was anything particularly fascinating about a person who slept.

Key word is had-as in past tense.

Since Ichigo was really quite interesting while he slept.

The way he sprawled his lithe, well toned naked body over the couch.

It was almost artistic.

Hm. Edible art.

Savor it.

Yes he would savor it slowly.

Now normally slow was not part of Kenpachi's vocabulary.

It was a different story when it came to meat.

And right now the most perfect piece of meat was laid out right in front of him.

No scratch that, not just meat but an entire feast!

And it was all his.

()()()()()()()

Start at the bottom, work his way up!

Toes, not quite dainty but small for a male, clean, soft, smelled like powder.

Touching it with his hands simply was not enough. He had to press his tongue into the natural arch of the foot, slide it between each and every toe, start a nice wet trail—no nibbling yet—that would come—all in good time.

Ankles. Okay so he kind of always had an ankle fetish. And it was most likely the lust talking but the orange haired youth had some delicious looking ankles. He nibbled on one and it made him think of lamb.

A perfectly cooked piece of lamb. He nibbled a bit more, switching back and forth between each ankle—and then he continued on upward.

Calves, hairless, soft and strong like a bull. He grinned. Yes he would savor the feeling of having these strong calves wrap around him when the time came.

Knees, not bulging or sharply angled but soft, smooth and toned. Perfect.

Thighs—he couldn't hold back, didn't want to—nibbling is not enough, licking is not enough, no he had to give these tasty looking thighs a REAL BITE!

Leave the first of many marks—his official claim over the orange haired youth.

Ichigo either had incredible control over his body, a high tolerance for pain or he slept like a damn log!—for he had not opened his eyes even once yet.

Kenpachi snorted as an image came to mind—one where Ichigo would wake up and start shouting about what a bastard he was for leaving all these damn hickeys on his body—

Yes that would be quite amusing

But

Having Ichigo awake? Now that would be even better.

So as the old saying goes, a man's got to do what a man's got to do—or should that be beast?

(()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

His thighs had always been quite ticklish, so it took every ounce of strength he had left to stay still and continue to "sleep"

He nearly slipped up and let out a groan when sharp canines pierced his flesh. Nearly screamed in surprised delight when large hands gripped each sac and—

()()()()()()()

Like ripe nectarines—the size, the color, the shape, the feel, and now to taste!

()()()()()()()

"Oh God!"

"Not quite but during one of my past lives I—

"You bastard don't just stop in the middle just to tell me something so insignificant!"

()()()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

Well he could continue but he much rather sample the youth's quickly rising

"—FUCK!"

"Not quite but we'll get there."

()()()()()()

The perfect combination of sweet and sour. Not a single drop had missed his mouth—for he was no amateur when it came to oral pleasure.

He had gone through many lifetimes in order to perfect his skills.

But it was not in his nature to gloat about it.

A real man would never gloat.

And he was as real as they come.

The beast was merely an outer layer.

()()()()()()()

Moving upwards.

Natural flexing abdominal muscles. He could feel them rippling beneath his large fingers.

He continued on up when the boy started squirming.

()()()()()

"Bastard, get on with it!"

Ichigo didn't want to admit that he was ticklish.

()()()()

(Shiro/Starrk/Grimmjow)

"So how far do ya think King is going to let him go?"

"I'm betting all the way."

"Really, think he's ready for that?"

"We'll find out tomorrow."

()()()()()

(Yumi/Ikka)

"You know come to think of it, neither of them actually ever returned for the party."

"True. But I think things worked out for the best in the end."

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Nipples. There was nothing particularly exciting about them. They were just tiny inverted nubs of flesh. He really didn't understand the obsession that other people had with them—and he really had no desire to let Kenpachi go anywhere near them.

So he took matters into his own hands, gripped the wild man by the head and demanded to be kissed.

()()()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

He had been waiting for the aggression, the passion, the equal amount of heat and desire to show up.

Hearing Ichigo make demands was (forgive him from sounding corny) music to his ears!

()()()()

Snarling, nipping, biting and licking each others faces. Nearly devouring.

The tang, the sweetness, the oh so damn good!

()()()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

He had fully intended to savor the back of Ichigo just as much as he had savored the front.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he couldn't really decide but anyway—his future bride was growing quite impatient.

So it was probably best to move things along a bit.

Now many people favored lubes, toys and other such things for the act of preparation—which was fine (and would certainly come into play somewhere down the line when their relationship had further progressed)—but first time preparations?

Well that required a completely natural, non-artificial approach.

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Sure he was a virgin but that didn't mean he was completely clueless.

He knew what Kenpachi was about to attempt and to be honest, he wasn't too happy about.

So he did the only he could—he protested against it.

()()()()()(()

Unlike before, he would not give in to the boys' pleas—he had no intention to change his course of direction.

()()()()()()()()

"Lips and tongue do not belong in ones –ngh!"

()()()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

The act of rimming was not dirty, vile—rather it was—

Fun, tasty, intoxicating

All in good time Ichigo would learn to not only love it, he would learn to crave it!

()()()()()()()()

(Grimm/Shiro/Starrk)

"So how many rounds do ya think he'll last before passing out?"

"Hm its one of those things, you know everyone is different. Some can barely make it past 2 let alone 10."

"So ten then?"

"I think it's a little too soon for that."

()()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

The pain was almost overwhelming, nearly made him pass out.

No matter how wide his ass had been stretched, it clearly hadn't been enough.

When tears sprang to his eyes, he didn't even bother to fight them back.

He wasn't weak!

But he was human and the human body simply wasn't made for this kind of thing

"Its too-I can't—just stop!"

()()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

Stop? They hadn't even officially begun yet.

There was no way he was stopping.

In fact in a few minutes—Ichigo would be begging him for more!

()()()()()()

(Ichigo)

It was so ridiculously cliché, like a bad porno.

The whole "take it out, it hurts" suddenly morphing into "Gods, do that again and more"

Was he really that unoriginal?

Mother would be so disappointed in him.

Next thing he knew he'd be dressing up in diapers and Kenpachi would be spanking him.

Good God what a horrific thought!

But clichés and jokes aside, somewhere between the second and third thrust, he had started to enjoy it, began to crave it!

Kenpachi (it seemed) was skilled in more ways than one.

Ichigo felt himself grinning like an idiot.

()()()()()()

July 15th

It seemed only fitting that he should bring his lover back to his world to celebrate his birthday..

"So Kurosaki-kun, Kenpachi-san how did you two meet?"

"Well uh—

Surely hadn't he grown out of this blushing like a school girl faze by now?

He was 18 for freakin sakes!

"Rukia and I can answer this one 'Hime."

"Um okay so how did they meet?"

Rukia and Renji shared a look and then the redhead began his story "Well it all started when Rukia and I overheard a conversation about mail order brides…

END


End file.
